scary but a small victory just the same.

I was making my izze famous mock crab cakes for my lunch tomorrow... don't be impressed  they are just zucchini pancakes with old bay in them . as I was slaving over the frying pan , I carelessly leaned forward and singed the inside of my arm on the edge of the hot pan.  A familiar sensation ran through me. the hot sting of the burn , the electric dance of the butterflies in my tummy , the familiar elating  rush of endorphins. I won't lie as a self-injurer this careless accident hurt good. but It was the first time I seemed like I was looking in from  the outside  on the moment. It made me think back on all my other incidents. My need to relieve the emotional pain with a physical act. I haven't actively hurt myself in a year. Which is a victory for me. Today just made me keenly aware of my affliction.  made me realize I am becoming a stronger individual . I am no longer a jelly fish bobbing in the current.. I am a goofy swimming crab swimming against the tide of my life . I have an exoskeleton !