looking back

I was chatting with a few of my residents this morning . A few laughs , a couple of wistful smiles remembering days gone by. Their reminiscing got me to thinking about summer and the get togethers my grandparents would have at their home . One particular summer my mother was going through a committal in a facility and my brother and I were just too young to be left alone all day while my dad was working. So we would stay with my grandparents . It was this summer that my grandmother allowed me to help her in the kitchen . This was quite a big deal for me as usually grandmom and poppop had other chores for us around the house ... Weeding and picking up crab apples out of the yard . The first dish ever she taught me was macaroni salad . Now mind you I had been cooking at on my own for quite a while . But actually helping in her kitchen made me feel so much more grown up. at the time it seemed alot less significant then but in looking back it seems like one of the most pivotal moments in my life . standing in her kitchen which back then was alot bigger than it actually is . Not doing anything more than mixing macaroni and mayo in a bowl while she added all the vital ingredients . actually looking back I did alot of mixing. My grandparents were the masters of making menial labor fun for children. But they certainly got their money's worth out of us grand kids

scary but a small victory just the same.

I was making my izze famous mock crab cakes for my lunch tomorrow... don't be impressed  they are just zucchini pancakes with old bay in them . as I was slaving over the frying pan , I carelessly leaned forward and singed the inside of my arm on the edge of the hot pan.  A familiar sensation ran through me. the hot sting of the burn , the electric dance of the butterflies in my tummy , the familiar elating  rush of endorphins. I won't lie as a self-injurer this careless accident hurt good. but It was the first time I seemed like I was looking in from  the outside  on the moment. It made me think back on all my other incidents. My need to relieve the emotional pain with a physical act. I haven't actively hurt myself in a year. Which is a victory for me. Today just made me keenly aware of my affliction.  made me realize I am becoming a stronger individual . I am no longer a jelly fish bobbing in the current.. I am a goofy swimming crab swimming against the tide of my life . I have an exoskeleton !